Monday, June 9, 2008

Give me Starbursts or give me death.

I cant stop eating. Im serious, its getting ridiculous. Prior to our children coming home, I was doing awesome. I had lost so much weight and looking goooood. Ever since they came home, I have been eating, and eating, and eating. Its mostly candy too. Not even chocolate, which is what I love. Its the weird stuff, like Starburst. I can eat the whole package, one little fruity square at a time. I wont even share, I will not offer anyone a Starburst because they are MINE, and evidentally I need them.

I dunno. I think its all linked to PADS (Post Adoption Depression Syndrome). Im not even sure I have it, because most of the time I feel fine, except for the eating thing, which is what I do when Im depressed. Why might I be depressed? That is a good question because I now have everything I have ever wanted. Kids. And cute kids, at that. I have my wild boy, my bookworm boy (who is still wild) and my little girl. (who is also wild) Shes tremendously cute and very spacey, just like me. The spacey part, I mean. She is girly (unlike me, most of the time), but she romps and plays outside, gets dirty, bloodies her knee with the boys and loves it. I guess she likes to dress up and be cute without the prissiness.

I have spent my entire adult life wanting children. I married a man who already had grown children (he is much older than me), and a grandchild on the way. I still wanted my OWN children, to raise, love, and hopefully make into contributing people, or at least people that are not mean (because they suck, as the bumper sticker says). Now I have them, why arent I (star)bursting with joy? Dont get me wrong, when I stop and think about it, I love them and wouldnt go back to life without them. Im happy. There is just something bothering me and I think I have figured it out.

I would put one of those nifty links to the words "Post Adoption Depression Syndrome", if I knew how, but I dont, I am completely clueless. So, if you really want to know you'll have to look in the upper right hand corner of my blog to "where i hang out" and go to Adoptive Parents Network link (yeah, I know....) and you can find out about it there.

Anyway, if I do have it, here is why I think I do. I believe that my life has changed so much, I am actually mourning my old self and the life that I used to have. Its not always on the surface. I mean I dont always walk around saying, "woe is me" or anything dumb like that. It is THERE and its making me eat.

I also think (and someone on APN pointed it out) that I had this vision in my little brain about how life would be when we had kids. It would be all cookies baking, cuddling, dimple faced smiles with perpetually clean hands, face, and hair. I would have a Martha Stewart, so-cute-you-could-puke, house (actually, I dont like her that much, it just sounded good), and a perfect lawn and we would all just love each other all the time and things would be swell with Ward and I (my husband's name is not Ward, I was making a tv reference there). Well, things are just not that way, and I think that is where some of these feelings are coming from.

Since adoption my life has changed in the following ways:

1. I am always cleaning something or someone
2. I have to watch what I say
3. I have to watch what I do.
4. I have to watch what three other little people say and do.
5. I have to look at poop (human,dog poop is not new to me).
6. I have to discover urine in a garbage can in a bedroom, because his brother was in the bathroom, and he was too "busy" to walk upstairs to the other bathroom.
7. I am constantly telling someone to "mind your own business."
8. I have a hole dug in the middle of my nice Martha Stewart-ish front lawn.
9. I have to wear slippers now, because evil little plastic army guys, do not feel good on the feet.
10. I think my dogs hate me now.

Ok, so those are the not so pleasant aspects, not to mention my hubby and I dont get to spend a whole lot of time together anymore. Thats a big one. I know making time for each other is critical, its just so hard still.

On a postive note, since adopting my life has changed in the following ways:

1. I have people who call me "Mom".
2. I get lots of hugs and kisses.
3. I am learning tons of stuff about myself (some of it good, some of it not).
4. Now I have 3 HUMANS who are thrilled to death when I come home.
5. I get to take care of little people who are so cute, I cant stand it.
6. I get to cook for a family now.
7. I feel like I am finally doing something worth while.
8. I get to feel warm and fuzzy when I watch them sleep.
9. I have more people to love.
10. My life no longer feels like something is missing.


Erin said...

Girl, I know the feeling and I only had 1 new kiddo! Hang in there - it does get better, I promise! Don't let mommy guilt overwhelm you. You are doing an awesome job!!!

Annie said...

I love this. I just stepped on an "army guy" yesterday so I DO know how you feel. The "always telling someone to mind their own business" certainly struck a chord, too! Though I usually say, "Why can't you ignore him?" "Just ignore her!" "I'm ignoring it! Why can't you??!!"

Nirmala Ravi said...

Hey, actually my friend stumbled upon this blog and shared it with me. I am a mother too and I can understand most of the things you shared. Specially not getting mad when you want to scream at the top of your voice. but the feeling of MOM.

Enjoy it with all the joys and pains it brings.