Quotation of the Day

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Lying revisited...

"Lies, lies, lies, ye-ah...." Didnt the Thompson Twins do that? I think they did. Or maybe some other 80s band with crazy hair. Anyway...

What is it about kids that once they learn a lesson, they tend to revisit it? I was so thrilled last week when a few times A had an opportunity to lie to me, and he didnt. I responded with the proper parental reaction, and thanked him for telling me the truth and depending on what it was about, he only got a warning, or a very small consequence.

So, having done the right thing by encouraging truth telling, I would assume that that would be a motivation for him to tell the truth all the time. Boy, do I have a lot to learn. I guess since he tested truth telling this week, his experiment would not be complete unless he tried another lie. Maybe this lie was like a control group to him...(probably not funny unless you just went through the hell of a statistics class...)

So, currently he is in his room for lying. I even gave him a CHANCE to turn the lie around. I said: "I heard what you really said, now I want you to tell me the truth...". Nope, couldnt do it. He told his bro and sis he hated them because they wouldnt play a certain game with him. So, he thought he would escape all trouble by saying he said "..didnt like". We have never had the conversation about the word "hate" and evidentally in one of his other families he got into trouble for saying "hate". I wasnt going to punish him for saying "hate". I was going to tell him that was not a nice thing to say and give him an alternative like "Im angry because you wont play this, and it makes me feel bad". Or whatever...you get the picture. But.he.lied. Lying is the one thing as a parent that makes me see red....so, he is in his room. When will it stop? When do they "get" that a certain behavior just isnt worth it?

And...it is harder when you dont know everything about the kid's history. If I had known ahead of time that he got in trouble (beat with a belt...as one foster parent did)for a certain thing and that he was probably terrified, not knowing how I would react to him saying that, I would have approached it differently, I suppose. Thats a draw back to older child adoption for sure...all the history that is invisible to you. You have to act with little information...and its really hard. Perhaps lying and the consequence it brought was worth it to avoid the consequence that he endured at a previous home for saying he "hated" someone. There is just no way of knowing. It is all such a learning experience...for all of us.

On a lighter note he did try to get himself out of trouble by saying, "..but I like you and daddy...."


Heather Cherry said...

Wow. And here I thought it was heart-breaking having to imagine the details of Snuggles' abusive past before I adopted him. I applaud you and your hubby. You guys are unsung heroes.

And yes, it was the Thompson Twins.

obladi oblada said...

Thanks HC, I cant stand dog abuse either, it makes my skin crawl and it makes me angry. Thompson Twins..thanks. I thought so.

Erin said...

At least he likes some people in your house - LOL! :)

I HATE lying (there, I used A's bad word). It makes my blood boil and I struggle with the same things you do. The best way we have found to deal with it is to discipline for it every.single.time. If V turns it around and tells the truth, the consequence will be much less and she knows it.

obladi oblada said...

Erin, I thought A knew it too!! Oh well..at least its not like it used to be, so for that, I am grateful!

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